Sunday, November 8, 2009

Pregnant - 3rd Time Around.

It's 12:30 am and I should be asleep, like everyone else in my house is. But, I cant. And so here I sit. Blogging. Maybe I shouldn't since I am an overly emotional pregnant person.
One week ago (last Sunday) I spent the day nauseated and sick and throwing up, I only made it to about 20 mins of church before I headed home. And sadly for me, I didnt even make it home before I threw up (alot) the next few days weren't much better, I was tired and just felt like junk. And on Thursday morning after repeatedly throwing up in the shower, I needed to explore farther. Which led me to retake a pregnancy test which just a few weeks ago said, "not pregnant" It was positive, yay!!

I feel overwhelmingly grateful for the chance to have another baby. Really. I do. This #3 has taken us a lot longer than the other 2 did, so I almost felt like it was too good to be true when stick said "pregnant" this time. I have been waiting for this. But yet... nothing but tears. I cannot stop crying, even now as I type, my eyes are so swollen I can hardly see what I am typing. This part is the hard part for me. And I forgot just how hard it is. I get so sick when I am pregnant, all day, every day for weeks on end. And it is so hard. I have only in fact left the house 1 time since I found out I was pregnant, to attend a baby shower I was throwing and have been working on for a long time. (which by the way was probably the best thing I could of done, taken a break from my hibernation) Other than that, I have been in the house. In my sweats, feeling awful. I haven't kept anything down and no matter how much I sleep, I cannot get enough energy to even want to blow-dry my hair.

I know that I am so so so happy to have this baby, and to add to our family. And I love new babies. Love them. So don't think by reading this post that I am not happy about this. I really am, its an answer to prayers. This baby is already loved. I just have realized this time is going to be the same as the rough pregnancies before. When I was pregnant with Adyson, I had no one else to care for, I could drowned in my misery. And I did. Then when I got pregnant with Max, I had Ady to care for but she was only just turning 1. So, we could be home and sick and it was ok. No dance, no preschool, no reason to have to be anywhere. I remember she would follow me into the bathroom to throw up and pretend she was throwing up to. Then I would lay her on my chest and turn on Baby Einsteins and just be home. All day... all week until I felt better. So, I am just scared this time, that I have more responsibilities, and feeling guilty at the prospect of all the fun things my kids are going to miss doing with me cuz I dont feel well enough to do anything right now. Literally, I didn't even come out of my room today until almost evening except for once to get a drink.

I am not really sure why I am writing this. Except that this blog is a sort of journal for our family. And I actually now feel a little guilty for complaining at all. I know there are a lot of people who have a very hard time getting pregnant, and some who cannot at all. And I don't want anyone like that to think that I am not grateful that I can get pregnant and I do have healthy babies. I know that is such an amazing blessing. I just wanted to be honest about how I felt right now. A little scared about how I am going to handle the pregnancy this time around and incredibly emotional for no good reason. I really could fill a well with the amount of sobbing I have done on my bathroom floor this weekend.

But at least I'm 8 weeks down... 32 to go. (hopefully only 30, if all goes to plan).... great now I'm crying again, that's forever.

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